fear and something like it

Tomorrow my baby sister (I know she dislikes that term, and doesn't get it, but there it is) goes in for a very rare and potentially dangerous adrenal surgery. My avoidance tactics have been in full gear, until yesterday when I suddenly snapped into what I can only really call my 'calmness'. The first time I got this was calling my Dad after I had been in a car accident at 15. He said he hoped to never heard that tone in my voice again, because it scared him so deeply. He described it as calm, matter of fact, deadpan, and something else. Without any heat, but not cold. Unfortunately he heard it again when I went to tell him a few months later that my sister had fainted and hit her head. Shock, I suppose, is what it is, self-protection of that kind, waiting. This is the first time I'm in this pre-emptively and for more than 10 minutes, so this is strange for me. I hope it goes away soon. I hope it doesn't until the surgery is over and she is absolutely and completely fine.

I called to tell her I love her. In about 33 hours, I plan to again.
In between, I'll pray.

busy

It's been a busy few days around here. I got knocked flat with a myster illness + allergy combo, and finally was able to function again a couple days ago. We are pulling up carpet and rearranging bedrooms this week; so far one room is drying and waiting for furniture, then we repeat on the next room, and then the next. We went to the hardware store and got fencing and posts for my garden; I need to get that in today so the bunnies can roam free without eating my plants. I also need to get all my windowsill plants into the garden. I've decided to build windowsill boxes so I can grow things year round indoors, but that can wait a little. Now I need to take apart my bed, redrill holes to raise the sides so I can store stuff underneath, move it into the new room, reassemble and start on the next room.
Late Saturday our awesome friends drove up from Coos Bay en route to Ohio, and we were very glad the rooms were not torn up yet, but they will be coming back through on Sunday and I intend to have it all done by then.
whew!

happily, -nava
L

Wish I Hads

Just read a blog update from a girl (woman, now) I knew back in summer camp. She is currently serving a medical mission aboard the Comfort, just spent several months in Kenya, and got her pilot's license. I am frankly envious. I am envious because she is doing amazing things and helping people. Me? I look back at what I could have done with my life, before I had kids, and what did I contribute? Not a whole lot. Do I regret having kids, do I think that they have taken away my freedom to live my dreams? No! Not even a little! Here's the thing: I was a legal adult for 7 years before becoming a parent. Seven! How much could I have, should I have done with that? Even if I had stopped whatever it was before marriage that's still 5 years. What was I doing? Drifting. I studied a little Tae Kwon Do, did some schooling, served as a camp counselor but I really didn't DO anything. I didn't pursue a single one of my ambitions. Why? Fear. I let fear from a car accident excuse me putting off learning to drive or fly; I let fear of social interactions get in the way of opportunity; I let fear of failure excuse my not extending myself, and worst of all I let fear of losing affection excuse never going after what I wanted, because I knew what I had wouldn't be waiting when I returned. I should have gone for it. At least I can be an example to my kids. At least I can work now, to make a difference now. I plan to. I will.

-nava

Oregon spring

I called the boys over excitedly to watch the wind swirl yellow clouds of pollen from the enormous pines overhanging our fence. First a gust one way, then the yellow billowed the other way to catch on the neighbour's trees, as if it had been aimed. In my mind I am trying to convince myself that I'll be fine, that those yellow clouds won't affect me at all. My histamines apparently did not believe a word of it. Two loratadine later, I am wondering how exactly being unconscious is going to play into my first summer here.
It was a gorgeous day, and we even had the boys outside, despite still being sick, because this weather is making them feel better. Here's hoping tomorrow brings more, in both amazing weather and recovery.

happily, -nava

ABBA was right

I remember the first tim I heard ABBA's 'Money, money, money', sitting in a rental car with my Dad. He laughed a little, sighed, and said "it would be." I didn't grow up oblivious to money; I knew things cost money, and that we didn't have any to spare. I was never worried about money though. Now, I am becoming borderline obsessed, and it is unpleasant. Yes, I need to be aware of how much is coming in and how much is going out, but triple-checking the numbers every day isn't going to change the fact that we will have $1 after bills this pay period, and that we would have been $52 short of paying bills next pay period. So I had to let go, stop freaking out, and wait. Then Milt got holiday pay for Memorial Day, and out of nowhere the rebbitzin mentioned she needed some sewing done. We are ok, again, for this month. Every single time, we are ok, and all I can do is say Thank You. And try, so very hard, to keep trusting. Also, etsy needs to start bringing in some money. Yeesh.

-nava

It has been a sleepless few days in my home; sometimes it feels longer, I at least have adjusted and the days are somewhat hazy but calm, two little boys, one very sick but getting better, one slowly succumbing, both content for the most part to cuddle and doze and watch movies, eating toast and drinking tea. It is the nights that are hard. I knew nights would be harder, not just because that is when Adin woke up with that terrifying whooping and coughing that alerted us to the fact that something serious is happening, but because nights in general are the hardest. I was wondering why, last night, with one baby finally sleeping and one in a fever-induced half-doze alternating demands and questions, both nonsense or unintelligible, hen drifting off again. Maybe it's the lack of energy; everyone else is sleeping, the whole world is sleeping, seemingly, there isn't that flow of energy to draw from, to prop up and soothe to a semblance of health. Soon, I hope, nights in an artificially humid room, lights on until first light, constantly checking and rechecking their breathing, their fevers, soothing back down one or the other, scared and in pain, will be done. Until the next time. For now, this quiet daze of sunlit hours is a welcome respite, for all three of us. Now I go back to my blanket-wrapped babies and settle in again, for as long as I can.

-nava