stumbling blindly

It's been an interesting 2 weeks. I don't even know how to get started, or where I'm going with this.

Main thing on my mind is that I don't know what to do, or what I am doing, or should be doing, and not because I lack direction or ideas; i have so much I want to do, right now, and so much I need to do, right now. SO I guess I'll just bullet-list this one. Maybe.

1. We owe money. Nothing new, we are pretty amerikun in that regard. Thing is, we are really really sick of struggling. It sucks. I have been trying to find a job, trying to find some way to make money to help with our bills which don't seem to be getting any better. We cut our power usage, SO much, which is awesome, but we are still paying hospital bills and now owe our awesome new doctor another $500 on top of that, plus credit cards and car and mortgage and blah blah blah so the only consistent income I have found is online surveys. I've made $40, which, yay, that's a credit card bill or somesuch, but not nearly enough. I went and interviewed with an amazing local designer for a seamstress position but she told me today that she hired someone else and my stomach dropped. It's hard to keep being positive, to keep on knowing that everything really will be fine when everything I try to do has not been working. I had a yard sale and made $2. yeah. my etsy shop has only made enough to cover the listing fees, if that. no one seems to want to buy anything I have to sell. We decided to sell our wedding rings, because they were really expensive and they don't match, so we would take a little of the sales money and buy a set from an independent artist that actually matches. Well, so far all I've had is people on ebay offering $450 (for a $2000 ring) and I am almost at the point that I may accept it. That's one medical bill, right there. We need to put in flooring, we need to replace the heater, we need to hire an electrician because our wiring is being weird, we need to pay for gas so the job that at least one of us can keep going to work and make money to pay all these bills. The truly, truly frustrating part in this is that I know I have talents and skills and I work really, really hard, and it doesn't make any difference right now. ugh.

2. My family is worried that I am depressed and my children are in an unhealthy environment. Which is frustrating. Yes, I am frustrated, yes I am struggling with a lot of things right now, but no I am not depressed, and yes I do actually know the difference. Also, no, my house is not a health hazard! holy crap! Talk about making someone feel inadequate though. Wow. Now I get to be paranoid that whatever caseworker we get for foster care feels the same way as the well-intentioned but apparently filth fixated family member who started this. Then what? If my only option in this life is to neglect my family in order to keep my home obsessively clean then I am opting out of this whole thing. We will live in the woods. Thanks. Plus now I wonder if all the times my friends made nice comments about my home they were actually thinking 'Oh My God what a hell-hole!'. Which is fun.

3. There is so much I want to do, and I. can't. even. start. Due to time+money+support. Which is difficult, so I am stepping back on a lot of projects right now. However, there are things I CAN do. I am going to keep going on my etsy shop. I am going to have a garage sale this weekend and try again. I am going to relist my rings, again, at a price that won't leave me feeling robbed. I am going to keep on playing with my kids and cuddling and drawing and enjoying my time with them. I am going to keep cleaning whenever I darn well feel like it, because I like things clean, and not because I am worried about other people's opinions. I am going to leave the explosion of stuff in my living room right where it is and take a nap, because I was blessed to spend the last 4 days at an amazing conference with amazing people and I am incredibly tired and really wound up with IDEAS. So basically, more of the same. but MORE.

happily,
-nava