05 October, 2006


So I went back to my shiny new 'insurance-covered' chiro this Tuesday.

Him: Do you understand all the things I demonstrated before really slowly, yes? gooood.
Me: *thinking* can you please just crack my back?
Him: Here are 50-yr-old patient's perfect alignment x-rays. oooh, pretty.
Me: uh-huh.
Him: Here is your seriously wacked out, curving the opposite direction spine x-rays.
Me: uh-huh.
Him: Can you point out where the differences are?
Me: *thinking* can we please not be in kindergarten right now?
Him: You need to COMMIT to my treatment or I will not treat you.
Me: Ok!
Him: 5 days a week, then 3 days, then 1 day, for 1 year. re-x-rays twice, required!!
Me: Ok!!
Him: Insurance only pays $480!
Me: Okaay....WTH??!?!?!?!
Him: Our office visits are $85!
Me: *stunned smile*
Him: The total is over $5000 for the first year of treatment!
Me: uhhhhhhh....
Him: Oh, no $5000? wait! it gets better!!
Me: *thinking* only if by better you mean my coverage jumped to $5000!!!!
Him: We can take out the bookeeping...now is only $3500!!!
Me: uh-huh.
Cam: *shakes head every time doctor is not looking at him.*
Him: IF you pay up front, we can take off 10%!!!
Me: *just stare.*
Him: let me um...let you think about it. *runs away*
Me and Cam: Hell. No.
Him *comes back in* Have you thought about it? Here are financing options. *hand over pamphlet* My assistant usually takes care of this. *RUNS AWAY*
Me and Cam: $65 a month for 5 damn years??? For just one of us? HELL NO AGAIN.
Assistant: Soooooo.....*is really nice and sympathetic*
Me & Cam: Can't pay, sorry sorry.
Assistant: Is totally ok, I totally understand, and I am the nicest assistant EVAR!!!!
Him: *Has vanished entirely*
Cam and I: * walk out and go buy a set of knives*
Hooray knives!!! (Ours have the black handles)

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