27 October, 2009

pause to reflect

I read a lot of blogs; amazing blogs, funny ones, introspective, thought-provoking. The majority of the writers have 2+ children, and manage to write quite frequently. How? I barely manage to finish my laundry on a given day, and forget managing a shower regularly! I am overwhelmed, still, and I truly would love to know how other people just manage, because I can't seem to.

Also, how to decide what to write about? I've asked this before, why do people write, why record? What do we pass on, and why? How permanent, how impermanent, important, unimportant. I get stuck, I stop, I wonder "why?" or "should I?" I just don't know. But I do know that maybe someday one of my children will want some idea of what life was like for me, and I would like to give them more than the hazy "well, I don't know. I worked/took care of you/ ate pancakes/whatever" that are most recollections. Silly? Yes. But I want to give my kids everything else, so why not this?

I harvested from the quince tree out back yesterday; I managed to get about 2/3 of the fruit that was still good with E's help; there is a bit left on the tree but L woke up so E and I packed up our big bag full of fruit and went inside to cuddle with the baby. I had wanted to make membrillo, but I don't have suitable containers for it, so instead we bought jars at the store today while we were out and I am going to try to make jelly tomorrow. I may wind up making jam if I don't find any strainers. Whatever! At least the fruit isn't going to rot on the ground again this year, so success!

C brought my bike from Antioch, and I am going to reattach the child seat and take E for bike rides again; at least, I will try. I had no idea how heavy that bike would be when I ordered it; wow! Kat's child seat is still around (20 years!) So I am going to attach that to one of the other bikes around here and inform C that he now has a bike. :) There is also a three-wheeler out back that I would LOVE to fix up; then I could wheel both boys around. When we move to a community that we love I plan to use it to run errands; I'm really excited, making plans again, thinking about what places are out there for us. I know we'll wind up in the right spot, I just wonder where it will be, and I know that it is not here. At least I'm starting to feel at peace about it all again, and comfortable just trusting that G-d will work it all out; again, as always. I'm just so good at worrying that sometimes I forget that I don't need to.

I'm getting back into sewing/crafting, and I have some ideas for what I want to do to 'make money'; really, it's more of an outlet for my need to create and design, and if people like it and want to pay for it then so much the better, but I am not going to let other people talk me into charging 'what hte market can bear'. I ask for enough to cover my expenses and make it worht my time, that's it! I don't see the need to take whatever I can from other people. I'm working on letting go; we have so much I feel like I am swimming in stuff; our stuff, my parent's stuff, my grandmother's stuff. I'm slowly packing up their stuff while I unpack and pare down my own, but I am just so hedged in at this point that I must get rid of as much as possible just to be able to relax. and yet! Every day it is easier to give away something more. Just a little bit at a time, bags of food, boxes of things, piles of clothes, all going, all hopefully making some other lives easier. Not happier, stuff doesn't make you happier. I think having your needs met just frees you to enjoy your actual LIFE, and that is what makes you happy, not the stuff in it. Yes? Something along those lines. I don't like how I phrased that but it is past 11pm and I really should be getting to bed. ah, insomnia, my old friend. :)

Everything is getting better; E is a stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, affectionate, stubborn little boy, and L is one demanding, teasing, sweet little baby, and every day they get a little older, things get a little easier (even when I can't see that in the moment) and I breathe a little easier while missing their babyhood just a little more. slowly, slowly, slowly. I have a few things I need to complete, but that will be done by the time we head to Puerto Rico, and then I can let go of that chapter of my life completely; focus on something new. In the meantime, I really do just need to breathe. good night.

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