31 July, 2011

busy not doing

These past few weeks have been a magnification of the past few years; that is, feeling like I have so much to do, so little time, so busy always and yet wondering what am I accomplishing? Getting bogged down in the minutae,in the "still have to", in "haven't yet" and even, when I am unable or unwilling to do anything else, in the "could haves" and "could still".

Then a fat,frantic moth throws itself in the window and harasses me until I get it outside again, and I go again. It's a good thing, I have constant distractions from living in my own head. Thought exercises are a good thing, until they bring all action to a standstill.

-I have internet now, a birthday gift from my parents :) I spent the first day just wandering around the internet, and being utterly unproductive. It did get all of that out of the way, so now I can get back to using the net productively.

-My poor garden well, it's rather eh. That's ok though. The plants that did make it are thriving, and I will begin constructing the coldframes in the next few months, so I can just keep putting seeds out there and see how they do. I have a lot of seeds, so I am not worried about running out. Clears the way for fresh stock. :)

-On that note, for my birthday I took the boys into Portland and we picked up a bunch of heirloom seeds from a woman who put them for free on Craigslist. woo hoo! I learned that Asher has memorised which stop is for the Children's Museum. :) Also that Adin really melts down after 30 minutes on the Max, which is still about 30 minutes from anywhere we actually want to go. Except the Museum. That stop is right on the edge of that magical window of time.

-I am waffling quite a bit over just how permanent this home is. There simply isn't a community here. Part of me says "build community!" the other part says "out of what? with who?" It's looking like we are going to be relocating to someplace we can actually be connected to our neighbors. Just not sure how far in the future that is. In the meantime, what to do? Such anxiety. and really, somewhat pathetic.

-Rootstalk! I want to go, desperately, but unless I can somehow win tickets it simply isn't going to happen. That's ok, I did get a big stack of beautiful posters to put up around town, and have been doing just that. I figure if it gets enough promotion and attendance then there will be one next year for me :) Yet still, my heart is saying 'my people! Are these my people?'

Time for bed. That is a wonderful thing. I wonder, why do we say that little boys play like puppies, and why not that puppies play like little boys? These lanky, floppy, hilarious whirlwinds are so much more relatable to me; puppies must emulate them.


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