'We' sign the papers on the 23rd. I'm looking into POA for various reasons. The closing date is the 27th. Wow. So soon. so very very soon. Not ready yet, but so ready. If I could throw everything in a bag and be out the door now I would.
Milt's been up there since the 28th, as he started work the 29th. The first few days were hard, but harder for him, as he didn't have the routine and the rhythm of taking care of the boys, the house, the plans; all he had was the emptiness of a rented room and the voices of his son through a telephone. The first few calls were filled with choked messages, loneliness.
It hits me sometimes now too, especially as I try to plan for getting the 3 of us up there; "what day? what does closing mean? should we deliver our stuff before we get there? what is your work schedule? what, in all this confusion, will work?" Then I look into plane tickets and, despite my repulsion at being scanned and/or searched the trade off is >2 hours flight time, or +12 hours drive time, or +30 hours train. So plane tickets then, but what about the cost? $50 if we can go the 25th, but where would we sleep then? $50 if I can wait until January; can I? It's only an extra week. It's an entire extra week! Not so long, and yet we are so tired of waiting, of the being apart.
Asher wakes up every morning now, "Daddy not here. Daddy at new house!" calm, matter-of-fact, sometime excited. Already it's a routine; it's been easy, how quickly he accepted it, no tears, just some occasional wistfulness. Is that ok? In small children time was elastic, I remember, my own Dad gone for months at a time, no sadness on my part. It was the actual parting that hurt, not the being apart. I am thankful that he's not hurting, but somehow, it makes it harder, and strange, being so alright with this distance. Adin though, he's been a bit clingy, so incredibly excited whenever I come around a corner, much less back inside after being out for an errand. "You came BACK!" Happy to see me, yes, but also so surprised.
It's made me re-examine love, family, attachment. Strangely, makes adoption seem even less fraught; I'd only seen the trauma of it until now, known the risks, the problems, the pain of what I still want, eventually. but this has nothing to do with our move. Not yet, anyhow.
Now it's a matter of purging; I've lost my camera, again, so I can't post things to sell, and anything I don't sell in my 'not keeping' pile I am giving away. I don't want any of it, and I can't afford to take it even if I wanted to. Hey, right now I can't afford to take any of it. Strangely, I'm ok with the thought that perhaps all these boxes I am carefully packing will have to be abandoned. It makes me giddy. I wouldn't miss it, most of it, I know now the boys wouldn't at all. I am going to go through the boxes of toys, see if I can purge another 50% there. Shouldn't be hard. I keep catching myself waffling over things, thinking "what if" and packing it up again when I should be throwing it out. Throw it out! Be done. Be free. That seems to be my mantra these days. be Free.