06 June, 2011

Wish I Hads

Just read a blog update from a girl (woman, now) I knew back in summer camp. She is currently serving a medical mission aboard the Comfort, just spent several months in Kenya, and got her pilot's license. I am frankly envious. I am envious because she is doing amazing things and helping people. Me? I look back at what I could have done with my life, before I had kids, and what did I contribute? Not a whole lot. Do I regret having kids, do I think that they have taken away my freedom to live my dreams? No! Not even a little! Here's the thing: I was a legal adult for 7 years before becoming a parent. Seven! How much could I have, should I have done with that? Even if I had stopped whatever it was before marriage that's still 5 years. What was I doing? Drifting. I studied a little Tae Kwon Do, did some schooling, served as a camp counselor but I really didn't DO anything. I didn't pursue a single one of my ambitions. Why? Fear. I let fear from a car accident excuse me putting off learning to drive or fly; I let fear of social interactions get in the way of opportunity; I let fear of failure excuse my not extending myself, and worst of all I let fear of losing affection excuse never going after what I wanted, because I knew what I had wouldn't be waiting when I returned. I should have gone for it. At least I can be an example to my kids. At least I can work now, to make a difference now. I plan to. I will.


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