17 December, 2009

mmmm Hanukah!

So we are finishing up the last of our presents: 3 kinds of dark fudge! yum! and frankly I don't care that most of the recipients will be opening them up on Christmas, nope, don't care, you know why? Because I made and gave them these gifts because I like them, and I want them to be happy! That's it! So what if happy for them is a week after happy for me? Right? No pictures of the candy because it's wrapped and I ate the rst and holding a baby while taking pictures of chocolate jsut means I don't havea hand free to stop E from grabbing said chocolate and shoving it into his mouth while he tears down the hallway, so yes. He's been a little wired. As have I. Yay!
We ate all our latkes. and fish tacos. and quesadillas. I never got around to making sufganiyot, because #1 we have run out of cooking oil and #2 if I don't stop eating sugar at some point, as I have been eating it every day since Thanksgiving, I WILL get diabetes, so yeah. I think we're done. There's oil in the yellow curry, I think that will be good enough. Yes!

Also, E needs to stop having access to edibles, as he decided to try drinking a bottle of Birch oil. Hi ER. That was awesome. But! He's fine! A Miracle, definitely. Happy Hanukah!

10 December, 2009

living slow?

I very much would like to live a slow year...heck, we almost moved into a bus in August! I still wish we could have made that work, but C is happier driving 2 hours round-trip to work than having a 15-minute commute but having to cross Hwy 17 any day. Oh well. Also, there's just So. Much. Awesome. Stuff. out there. What to do? I'm thinking a Slow Month. Well, a little over. Since we are going to PR on January 17th, I figure if we buy nothing from now until then that should count as a month, and then I'll see about February? Yes, that should do it.
What do I mean by slow month? Well, for right now it means buy nothing aside from groceries, and pay only our recurring bills (car payment, insurance, rent, student loan...wow, we have a lot of payments). I think I'll also cut back on grocery spending again; we get a little crazy in the grocery store occasionally, so that needs to be cut back. Also, we have credit card debt again, so I'll pay that off. February will be a fresh start, and I can reevaluate then. I'm just so inspired by this family: http://frenchtoastfrance.blogspot.com/ and I want to get to that someday soon. I think we can; I think we should. Let's see if we do?
In other news: Latkes are done! Now on to (gluten-free) sufganiyot! Yeah!

08 December, 2009

side note...

E does NOT like the traditional 'Happy Birthday' song. First he scowls, and then if you keep singing it he gets more and more upset until he buries his face in his arms. I think it's because it's a minor key? So I need to find some more cheerful birthday songs for next year.

03 December, 2009

poor baby

So I have a cold, and L now seems to as well, on top of cutting teeth, and has been MISERABLE for the past few days; crying a lot, barely sleeping, fussing around, not nursing well. It's been great. Finally tonight I could not take the combo of stuffy head, drippy nose and inconsolable baby anymore and... I stuck him in his swing. Rather rudely, at that. Then I went into the next room to stare at the computer, listen to him cry and feel sorry for myself.

He fell asleep instead.

I am a babywearer to the end, but if a little neglect means my kid can actually get some sleep? Then the guilt is worth it. Poor thing.

As a bonus, here's a shot of both boys being considerably happier a couple days ago. You wouldn't think from the rolls that that baby is a lousy nurser, but wow, worst nurser EVER. I write that with all the love in the world:

09 November, 2009

maybe next year

yeah, not going to be keeping up with nablopomo, way too much other stuff going on right now, including but not limited to making sure no one in my house is exposed to or exposes my kids to H1N1, which apparently is THE disease for the county right now. Yay! Kids are healthy, I'm healthy, Thanksgiving is coming up, life is good.
I just have to keep telling myself, even if no one is hearing me, life is good.

05 November, 2009

library

Thursdays the library in the next town up has a story hour for toddlers at 10am, so for the last month C has been taking E up there. E will sit for a few minutes in the room, and then leaves, which would be unfortunate except for there being a playground right next to the library where all the kids head after story hour. So this week L and I went with them, checked out some books and a video with my new library card and then played on the playground. At first is was just E, and then a little boy who apparently has autism and gets along with E showed up, and then a bunch of other kids. It was nice, and a good break from the insane behaviour E has been exhibiting lately. I don't get it! Mostly it's whenever C is around; probably because C is back at work now after 2 weeks home, so E is adjusting to that, but it sure makes life unpleasant with the random screaming fits. I'm really just writing this to keep up with the writing every day deal, otherwise I wouldn't have written at all, but there you go.
Oh! Cam's older sibling's grandmother got a call from someone claiming that his oldest brother, her grandson, was in prison. In Canada. and needed bail money. riiiiiight. Last month someone called my grandmother at 2am claiming to be a coyote who had her people and demanded money. She told him off because, excuse me? Our Mexican relatives don't cross illegally, thanks. Interesting scam though. That's it for today.

04 November, 2009

what happened

On Sunday night someone very close to me decided to overdose on pills rather than face a huge mess she had created over the course of a year. She is fine, and while I am somewhat numb to what happened due to my experience with other people's suicide attempts in the past it threw everyone else in the house upside down for a while. Now that we are recovering from the trauma of what she did that night they are working through the things that were exposed and figuring out where they stand with her now that they are hearing the truth.
The thing is, if she had just been honest all along, everything would have been avoided. The anger, the jealousy, the emotional devastation, and the attempt to run away from it with pills. Yet at the same time I don't think she has learned anything. I've said it often; she "doesn't have learning experiences." That's the truly sad part; that those of us who love her can do nothing but watch her 'get away with' more and more while self-destructing. What then?

02 November, 2009

peacekeeping

is very time-consuming. I think I'm done; we'll see if the drama is any less tomorrow. :(

01 November, 2009

day 1

Today was really interesting. And then DRAMA HIT EVERYBODY. The end.

27 October, 2009

pause to reflect

I read a lot of blogs; amazing blogs, funny ones, introspective, thought-provoking. The majority of the writers have 2+ children, and manage to write quite frequently. How? I barely manage to finish my laundry on a given day, and forget managing a shower regularly! I am overwhelmed, still, and I truly would love to know how other people just manage, because I can't seem to.

Also, how to decide what to write about? I've asked this before, why do people write, why record? What do we pass on, and why? How permanent, how impermanent, important, unimportant. I get stuck, I stop, I wonder "why?" or "should I?" I just don't know. But I do know that maybe someday one of my children will want some idea of what life was like for me, and I would like to give them more than the hazy "well, I don't know. I worked/took care of you/ ate pancakes/whatever" that are most recollections. Silly? Yes. But I want to give my kids everything else, so why not this?

I harvested from the quince tree out back yesterday; I managed to get about 2/3 of the fruit that was still good with E's help; there is a bit left on the tree but L woke up so E and I packed up our big bag full of fruit and went inside to cuddle with the baby. I had wanted to make membrillo, but I don't have suitable containers for it, so instead we bought jars at the store today while we were out and I am going to try to make jelly tomorrow. I may wind up making jam if I don't find any strainers. Whatever! At least the fruit isn't going to rot on the ground again this year, so success!

C brought my bike from Antioch, and I am going to reattach the child seat and take E for bike rides again; at least, I will try. I had no idea how heavy that bike would be when I ordered it; wow! Kat's child seat is still around (20 years!) So I am going to attach that to one of the other bikes around here and inform C that he now has a bike. :) There is also a three-wheeler out back that I would LOVE to fix up; then I could wheel both boys around. When we move to a community that we love I plan to use it to run errands; I'm really excited, making plans again, thinking about what places are out there for us. I know we'll wind up in the right spot, I just wonder where it will be, and I know that it is not here. At least I'm starting to feel at peace about it all again, and comfortable just trusting that G-d will work it all out; again, as always. I'm just so good at worrying that sometimes I forget that I don't need to.

I'm getting back into sewing/crafting, and I have some ideas for what I want to do to 'make money'; really, it's more of an outlet for my need to create and design, and if people like it and want to pay for it then so much the better, but I am not going to let other people talk me into charging 'what hte market can bear'. I ask for enough to cover my expenses and make it worht my time, that's it! I don't see the need to take whatever I can from other people. I'm working on letting go; we have so much I feel like I am swimming in stuff; our stuff, my parent's stuff, my grandmother's stuff. I'm slowly packing up their stuff while I unpack and pare down my own, but I am just so hedged in at this point that I must get rid of as much as possible just to be able to relax. and yet! Every day it is easier to give away something more. Just a little bit at a time, bags of food, boxes of things, piles of clothes, all going, all hopefully making some other lives easier. Not happier, stuff doesn't make you happier. I think having your needs met just frees you to enjoy your actual LIFE, and that is what makes you happy, not the stuff in it. Yes? Something along those lines. I don't like how I phrased that but it is past 11pm and I really should be getting to bed. ah, insomnia, my old friend. :)

Everything is getting better; E is a stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, affectionate, stubborn little boy, and L is one demanding, teasing, sweet little baby, and every day they get a little older, things get a little easier (even when I can't see that in the moment) and I breathe a little easier while missing their babyhood just a little more. slowly, slowly, slowly. I have a few things I need to complete, but that will be done by the time we head to Puerto Rico, and then I can let go of that chapter of my life completely; focus on something new. In the meantime, I really do just need to breathe. good night.

01 October, 2009

on recording

Often when I think of bringing a camera with me, or ordering prints, or placing those prints into albums, or even just sharing images online, I hesitate with a why?
why record these moments? why record any moments?

In essence I feel just a bit like I'm trying to immortalise seomthing that cannot be immortalised. we are so transient, our children's childhoods so extremely fleeting, and even one generation removed can't really understand or relive those captured moments. So why do it?
If only for myself, I suppose, it's worth it. At least, that's how I justify adding to the ephemera in our lives. Because I cry while taking in my precious seconds of baby softness and toddler passions, and I know every moment that this will be gone and I will never, ever recapture it. no matter how many photos I take.
But I will take those photos anyhow.

Happy birthday, little love. I already miss you as you were, even though I love you as you are.

07 July, 2009

some fun




We went to my parent's house a couple weeks ago, and E got to scavenge for plums and play in the sprinkler. He was one happy, happy kid.

note to self:

stop giving E anything caffeinated. It's only hilarious for the first 2 hours of crazy, then it's just dangerous (for everyone else in the room). Holy moly.

On a related note: stop with the chocolate already. danger! danger!

27 June, 2009

update

I keep reading all these posts apologising for not posting too often. I think I win as far as not posting very often. So here's a rundown of what I've been up to:

Graduated (sort of. not discussing the sort of part right now) and the ceremony was really fun. Had a vegetarian bbq afterward, everyone loved it.

I have help staying with me. I think it is more stressful than not having help. We'll see. May just be the hormones.

Speaking of, I am very hormonal right now. It sucks. I don't know how other people deal with it. I am hoping when this kid comes out it will take these hormones with it, because I do not want them.

Building on the house is now over a month behind schedule. But! We have flooring ready to go.

Got a speeding ticket. Damn it.

DMV can't find there behinds with their own hands, and claim we still owe them money. They are wrong, and we have a receipt to prove it. Monday should be fun.

Trying to choose a Mohel. fun. No idea what one costs, and we probably can't really afford one anyway.

Being pressured to buy a car. I really, really don't have time to shop for a car. Meanwhile our car needed new brake pads, and since I am round and incapable and C is inexperienced it got stupid expensive. Not happy.

I have a pizza. yay!

06 June, 2009

I'm...done?

Friday was my last written final, ever. Unless I decide to go back to school, but I am not sure grad school had finals and community college is not currently on my list of places to return. I'm slightly relieved, but more anxious, because I KNOW I did horribly on it. I have to turn in a paper by Wednesday (not a problem) and perform a skit that same afternoon (also not a problem) and that skit is the only thing that can possibly save me from failing. I don't actually know if it can, but I am hoping really, really, really hard.
Other than that, we are officially living paycheck to paycheck, with supplemental bill-paying from savings, and I am actually ok with that. Yes, the economy sucks, but C has a job, which already makes us better off than a lot of people, and he still has options that could be even better, so I'm pretty relaxed on that front.
E apparently is lactose-intolerant, since he has been a screamy, tantrum-filled and gassy little man ever since this past weekend, when we gave him cheese again for the first time in months, and then compounded the problem by going to costco and buying more. We now have about 3 pounds of cheese and neither of us want to it it. E still does, as I have passed on not only my intolerance of the stuff but also my uncontrollable passion for it. Poor kid. Poor us. No more cheese. I tell myself this all the time, and then I go and buy more. *sigh*
My sister moves in on Monday! I am so excited! Really, truly. Even if all it means is that I can get in a second nap each day while he runs around outside, supervised, it will be heavenly. She is super helpful though, so I know it'll be nice.
That is all.

05 May, 2009

May resolution

My may resolution is to Breathe and Budget.
I've been giving myself far too much stress over things; our finances, my grades, more finances, our future, imaginary spiders, etc when I shouldn't be. We are fine. We are more than fine. We are great. Everything just works out for us; it always has and I need to keep trusting that it will. Not that we throw caution to the wind and blow paychecks on nights out, but I just need to relax. When I do and actually give myself little spots of time to work I feel so much clearer and happier. I've been productive and actually felt as though I am accomplishing things lately, and I need to enjoy the moment. Speaking of the moment, E is laying his head on my leg and kissing my knee. I think it's time for some focused cuddling with my son. ciao!

gardening and writing

A few weeks ago I commented to C that I wanted to clear out our lot in the community garden and plant some veggies this year. Which really means I wanted him to clear it out, since my belly +stooping+ chicken wire +toddler bent on destruction would not have been a good combination. He said that we should just spend this year planning and working on the beds at the new house and not worry about. So of course a few days later I planted a bunch of seeds in little gathered pots and put them on the sill. E threw 3 of them onto the floor (goodbye tomatoes, eggplant, and mystery pot that he ate the label from!) but quite a few have sprouted since he lost interest. Corn was the first, then basil (planted specifically for C; he LOVES pesto) and squash. The other day we were driving home and noticed that the UCSC plant sale was still going; with the miserable weather we're having suddenly I doubted they had much business, so we stopped and took a look. I bought 4 plants: eggplant, potato, summer squash and zucchini (C. LOVES zucchini). When we got home, around 7, I looked up info on the plant sale and found it was only supposed to run until 2pm. We were lucky that the rain had kept away the crowds, or they would have packed up hours earlier! Now I'm just waiting for the sun to come out long enough to actually clear the garden and get these plants into the ground. They should all be harvestable by mid-July, so I'm not worried about leaving producing plants behind, but eve if a few are still going when we leave I have a few neighbours who I am sure would welcome some productive additions to their own garden plots. :)
As for the writing; on 4/20 UC administrators tried to threaten me with arrest for selling water to stoners. Long story. I've finally finished the letter that I've been working on since I got home that day. While I didn't know I was doing anything wrong at the time, my problem is not that I was reprimanded; I do recognise that regulations need to be enforced. However, it was the way the incident was handled that saddened and angered me, so I put my thoughts into a letter that I'll be sending to Pres. Yudof, Chancellor Blumenthal, and whatever interested print media will publish it. I'll post it here too once I've had someone who is a little less biased read it over as well. I would hate to have my message undermined by sloppy or obscure writing. I feel like a weight is off of me now; so now I'm off to protest rent hikes, budget mismanagement and teacher layoffs. Regular hotbed of activity over here!

26 April, 2009

the bento is back

Ha! So! I made dinner! Tasty, tasty sushi rolls, with cream cheese, sesame seeds, omelet, pickled beets and raw zucchini (which all this time I thought were cucumbers. Since they were supposed to be cucumbers). So, so good. Now I'm just waiting for C to get home. In about an 1.5 hours. I went ahead and packed him a bento for tomorrow, because nothing motivates me to get in the kitchen like having a paper due two days ago and a kanji test tomorrow. Yes! I also cleaned the kitchen and put away all of E's diapers. I am also knitting a hat. Also probably the matching booties. Yet, I have managed to write more on this paper this weekend than I managed all last week. I am just that awesome. Pretty bento! Yay! I'm also giving him a banana, because I really doubt this will get him through an 8-hour day.


I also spent $100+ on maternity clothes, because I finally admitted there is no way I am going to have the energy to make them before I need them.

12 April, 2009

stress relief

I spend way WAY too much time reading blogs, but, you know what? It's relaxing. It's my way to disconnect from all the crazy in my life and just enjoy reading snippets for a bit. I don't play video games and I don't watch movies (at least, not in one sitting. If I can't sit through a tv show, a movie is out of the question), and until I can get back to actually making things (which I find a LOT more relaxing; and fulfilling) I'm just going to keep on reading my blogs, except now without guilt. And when Bloglines is empty and no one updates within 5 minutes, I am going to keep on finding NEW blogs to read. Yes indeedy do.
On a somewhat related (at least in my mind) note, my MIL always laughs when I finish our conversations with "okie dokie!" I wonder why that is? :)
On a sad note, Malta is not celiac friendly. Which is very sad, especially since I am having ot face the fact that I might actually be the source of E's celiac issues. But for right now, I have a case of malta and a box of matzah to get through, and when those are gone we are all completely gluten-free, so until then, bottom's up! *glug-glug-glug*
oooh, I should really take my vitamins. I am so darn healthy.

11 April, 2009

Passover!

That was fun! Not only are we now gluten-free (although we have two really big boxes to food to give away that we didn't manage before Pesach) but I really enjoyed myself this year. K joined me for a seder down at Chabad, and C stayed home with E. Apparently that was the worst night for E's cold, unfortunately, but I got the night off, so, yay! Anyhow, this being my first sober seder I forgot how long it took to get the the food. K was drunk after the first glass and going a little nuts; it was hilarious. Sarah was visiting, I am so glad! I miss her when she goes back to NY; I am hoping to convince her to come back in July to see the babies (mine and DL's). That should be enough incentive, no?
Got a lot of news this afternoon; loft construction begins 4/20; a cousin is due with her first baby a month after me; MIL and BIL are both getting 40 hours a week at work (yay!); SIL is interviewing for Principal (we all really REALLY hope she gets it) and if she does they will be moving closer to the house. Classes are going well, and I am getting over this newest cold very quickly. All in all, a very good few days. Right now I am cooking up Karina's Moroccan Coconut & Chickpea Soup, and so far it is DELICIOUS. C should be on his way home from work, and then it's suppertime. YUM.