26 January, 2008

A confession

Since the Pioneer Woman, Ree, and now a few other bloggers, have started confessing their phobias I feel it might help me to do the same. This has been plaguing me since E was born, and it is driving me crazy. I'm hoping that by writing it out I can at least lessen the hold this has over me.

I am terrified of someone hurting my baby. I have flashes, almost waking terrors, of the things people can (and do) inflict on helpless children, and I am so, so VERY scared that could happen to my son. I worry that something may happen to us, and that he will be abused and wonder why we left, why we don't love him. I worry that he will be hurt and wondering why this is happening to him, why no one is stopping the pain. Then I cry and cry and cry because I know that there are children out there suffering this way, and I wish I could stop it from happening, from every having happened, but I can't. I feel so helpless. I don't want fear to paralyse me, I don't want these terrors to take up so much of my time, of my thoughts, and I don't want to spread this melancholy to other people as well. I want to spread joy, I want people to see and experience the joy and love and pure happiness that having him has brought me.

I want to be able to protect him without fearing for him, but I know that will never be the case. I know I will always worry over him, because if I could I would make it so he never feels pain, that he never experiences regret, that he never meets the twisted side of humanity, but I can't. All I can do is make sure he knows he is loved, and try to keep my own fears from infecting him. I want him to be free, and happy, and secure in the knowledge that we will protect him, as long as he lets us.

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