Note to the WORLD

Things to not ask/say to pregnant women:

-"So, have you had the baby yet?" If you are calling with the intent of asking this question, hang up the phone. Just do it. Especially if it is less than 2 weeks past her due date. ESPECIALLY if you have been told you will get an email/phone call/both when the baby does arrive. You are not the only person asking this question. It is annoying. Don't. Do. It. Not even by email. DON'T.

-"Wow, you look like you are about to pop!" How am I supposed to respond to this? Thanks? Yes? Any day now? (My personal favorite, which I have used, is "What, you think I'm fat?")

-"You're probably so ready, aren't you?" Yes. Yes I am. Helping to remind me of the fact that I am still pregnant does not really brighten my day. Again, you are not the only person to ask this. Today.

-"Can I come to the birth?" Er...unless you have been solicited to show up, you are not wanted. It's nothing personal, it's just not everyone wants to be selling tickets to the big show. That's a lot of pressure. Do not put these women in the awkward situation of having to say no to you. Although with some of us, all bets are off, as you have just turned yourself into a handy target for all our unexplained and hormone-driven sarcastic rage.

-"Can I come visit?/Why don't you want to go hang out?" Well, sometimes, if you catch me at the right time, I would LOVE a visitor. The rest of the time, please, just respect the fact that this is called a nesting period for a reason. I don't feel up to or want to entertain you or listen to your drama. I love you, dearly, but there comes a point where emotionally I can't handle anymore craziness than what is already inside my head (and furiously kicking my ribcage) and adding you and your needs to it isn't something that is going to end well. trust me. Wait till after the baby is born. Stop with the guilt-tripping. Visit someone else, who is more in a state of mind to be nice. (and conscious. Guests = no nap for me. see? bad.)

-"OMG my so-and-so's birth/pregnancy/etc was so awful/scary/dangerous because..." Shut up. Seriously. This is not nice to do to someone who is pregnant. stop it.


- Anything that could be construed in any way as negative, i.e. guilt-inducing, questioning any decisions/ judgement calls whatsoever, even if it is a joke. If what is about to come out of your mouth is not laden with praise, rethink it. Otherwise, be prepared to suffer the consequences. In my case, those consequences are anger, followed by guilt, depression and sobbing. Usually for about 10 minutes straight. Plus we are out of ice cream, and nutella just isn't cutting it anymore.

Do know that I, and I'm assuming most pregnant women, actually understand that you ask these things because you love and care for us. Sorry. Rationality was kicked out a while ago to make room for a squirmy thing that is eating all our food and seriously confusing our hormones. Plus I really want a nap and a hot dog. and I've had an easy pregnancy. Those ladies who had morning sickness/diabetes/etc. deserve roses. Buy them some. Have them delivered. Don't call to make sure they got them and fish for a thank you. They loved them. They're just asleep right now.